There are many ways to be a friend to a trauma survivor. Many times, this includes everyday ordinary things, like just having social events, or barbeques, or coffee times. Sometimes, being a friend to someone who has survived a very serious level of trauma involves more in-depth level of participation and greater understanding of trauma dynamics. The ordinary and the extraordinary are both important at different times.

Many times, trauma survivors, and DID folks in particular, have had very few “normal” social events in their lives. So, for example, an important part of their growth and healing involves a gradual participation and mutual acceptance in the everyday level of society. This is not easy, and there will be MANY bumps in the road, coming from both the survivors, and from society itself.

Normalizing life can be done in a variety of ways:

Going to the grocery store together
Going out for coffee together
Submitting a “Letter to the Editor” together
Playing Monopoly or any other board game
Taking your survivor-friend out for lunch
Getting your survivor-friend a treasured birthday and Christmas present
Driving your survivor-friend to job interviews or doctor appointments
Watching movies together
Talking about everyday life, everyday events, everyday people
Helping your survivor-friend with budgeting difficulties
Encouraging your survivor-friend to have sufficient food, medicine, shelter, medical appointments, etc.
Inviting your survivor-friend to be with you on holidays, birthdays, and other social times
Having regular and frequent telephone or computer contact with them in between the face-to-face visits

However, being a good friend to trauma survivors can often require another layer of depth. There will be struggles going on in their lives that will be beyond your comprehension and understanding. There will be enormous differences in the way you perceive the world and relationships from the way they perceive the world and relationships. Sometimes the chasm will seem too huge, and sometimes it just takes creative thinking and patience from both of you in order to keep the relationship alive.

Some extremely helpful ways to deepen your relationship with trauma survivors are:

Read Do's & Don'ts for Singleton Friends of Multiples
Invite them to stay at your house on “bad days” and / or trauma anniversary days
Invite them to stay at your house on days they feel threatened or in danger
Talk with them about their trauma history, when they need someone else to talk to
Get to know the different parts of the DID system, and address them individually
Take the time to treat the different system parts to activities that are individually meaningful, i.e.: teach the boys about car mechanics, get a new toy for the kids, help the host with their financial struggles, etc.
Learn about the negative effects of serious trauma, sexual abuse, ritualized abuse, etc. Know that much of what they are doing, feeling, and expressing is very normal for that population of people.
Learn about “transference and projection” so that you can step back from the conflicts that occur, and see the other layers of trauma dynamics. Learning to separate what is directed at you because of you, and what is directed at you instead of the person that’s not there. This distinction will help you to better understand the mixed up situations.
Do not put pressure on the survivors to be different than who they are, or rush them to assimilate your world any quicker than they can. Your world is new and confusing for them. They may be able to handle only small steps at a time. They will need time to sort and process the new experiences throughout their internal system layers.

Complications in relationships with trauma survivors are nearly impossible to avoid. It is simply because the reality of the two worlds you have come from are so entirely different, that conflict and misunderstandings are totally inevitable. What is normal to them is not normal to you. What is normal to you is not normal to them. Sometimes you may as well be speaking totally foreign languages to each other.

However, these relationships are tremendously rewarding, can be tons of fun, and are definitely worth the effort it takes. Trauma survivors often have a depth and sensitivity to them that you won’t find in other more “surface” people. They have admirable character, resilience, and creativity, and you will be thoroughly amazed at their inner strength as you come to know and understand their lives. You will learn more about life and the variety of people in the world than you ever expected to know.

If you would like to process any of these issues, please consider a clinical consultation.