As the non-offending parent, your pain is enormous, plus you probably feel like you have to be a rock for your child to lean on, and the combination becomes nearly unbearable. Your helplessness and fury at not being able to stop or prevent the abuse is probably weighing you down significantly as well. If the offender was a person known by you, the matter only continues to complicate itself.

Non-offender parents are often consumed with:

Fury at the offender for hurting your child and destroying your family
“Guilt” at not realizing the offender was an offender before they got at your child, or for not seeing or stopping the abuse in the first minutes that it happened, or for not being there, etc.
Pain at watching your child want to die, or be unable to live, or drown themselves in addictions
Fear that it could happen again and again, to other children, or be a continued pattern in the already abused child
Grief for the losses of innocence, of time, of peace of mind, of resources, of dreams, of hopes, of future, of past, of present, of more than you can say
Exasperation at watching all your financial resources being drained away, with one crisis after another, one legal bill after another, one medical bill after another, one missed paycheck after another,
Stress from the never-ending battle of parenting in a crisis-state, fighting to understand what has happened, and to get what is needed to survive, and to live peacefully and comfortably for both you and your child
Frustration with the lack of supportive resources and helping facilities
Anger at the legal system for the lack of protection for the victim, the never-ending “rights” for the offenders, and the blaming of the non-offender parents
Conflicted anger at the abused child who didn’t tell, who won’t tell, who was too afraid or too controlled to reach out for help sooner
Fury at being betrayed, tricked, deceived, lied to, used, manipulated, conned by anybody and everybody

The emotional overload of parenting and protecting an abused child is so overwhelming. Allow yourself and your child time to heal, and the space to be “a mess” while you are both in the healing process. Healing and peace of mind will return, but the road is not quick or easy. Sexual abuse touches so many hidden facets of people’s lives that the healing process is very complicated – never ever underestimate the depths of the wounds.

You are in a particularly tricky spot when the offender is a close family member, or parent, of the child victim. You are caught between telling the child exactly how bad the offender was, yet not you are not wanting the child to internalize their parent’s “badness” as part of their own self identity. The conflicts are ever-present.

Where does your fury create more harm than good? When does your pain interfere with the child’s healing process? When will life ever get back to any sort of normal? How long will you have to pay the price for the crimes committed by another person? When will the legal world stop harassing you, the protective parent, and truly go after the offender, the one who did the actual hurting of the child? How long will you watch your child’s life be destroyed by the actions of a sick, twisted criminal? When will there be sufficient help for both of you?

So, it is clear to see, not only do you have your own issues to resolve, you are left helping the directly abused person with their issues.

Be sure to read the personal account written by a non-offending parent that was presented at the 2002 Canadian Parliamentary discussions about the long-term negative effects of severe childhood sexual abuse. This writing is called “The Effects of Supporting a Person with DID – A Parent’s View”. The author describes the years of devastating impact that she saw and felt while raising children who were stolen and sold into commercial sexual activity.

When you genuinely love someone, especially your children, there is no turning away, even when it is so difficult. Finding the balance, getting enough help for everyone, and knowing there is hope and healing ahead, can keep you going.

Please click here if you would like to read a sample Clinical E-mail Consultation with our Clinical Director.

AbuseConsultants.com is available to you, to be a resource for your healing, and to support you in your journey of recovery from trauma and abuse.

If you need to process any of these issues, please consider a clinical consultation.