Book Review
by Nina

I have been both deeply moved and deeply disturbed by this book. I will not easily forget the tragic life of the author, Paul Marshall. Now in his early thirties and not due for release from prison until 2005, Paul has spent almost his whole life since age 10 incarcerated in juvenile detention centers and adult prisons. I can only marvel at his indomitable human spirit and innate dignity and admire his courage in writing this uncompromisingly honest account of his life to date, always taking full responsibility for his violence towards others.

Embedded within the pages of the book, we learn that Paul is a survivor of child physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect, with few memories of childhood before the age of 10. Interestingly, the book actually begins at age 10 when he first came before the courts, as if his life began with his criminal history.

From an early age he exhibited a myriad of adverse signs and symptoms including hyperactivity, school truancy, fighting, bullying, violence towards others, bedwetting, setting fires, self-harm by burning and cutting, drug and alcohol abuse, running away from home for increasing periods of time without explanation for where he'd had been, stealing, destroying property...the list goes on and on. In sum they are classic signs and symptoms of childhood abuse/trauma, yet he apparently received no effective medical or mental health assessments or therapeutic treatment. Like too many other male abuse survivors, Paul got time not therapy.

But without appropriate therapeutic treatment, as unprocessed childhood trauma and unbearable emotional pain built up, in his words, Paul became a "walking time bomb", his only release and relief from such tension was through self-harm by cutting or "slashing up" as he calls it. The cover of his book bears mute and horrifying testimony to its title.

So we are drawn into the depths of Paul's harrowing nightmare world of violence, pain and hopelessness, as it plummets out of control to the very edge. And then he makes a decision: "enough is enough". He seeks and gains admission to a small specialist self-harm and suicide prison unit. Here he receives the therapeutic help and support so long denied him. He voluntarily joins a men's grief group and blossoms because, of course, his whole sad life has been about pain and grief and loss. He successfully completes the compulsory educational course. His observational, analytical and people skills are recognized and he is appointed Peer Mentor to the Unit. With his worth formally recognized, he is finally re-claiming his self-worth, which was destroyed so long ago. Although still in prison, Paul appears to have come home to himself at last.

It is a beautiful and inspirational ending to his book. In fact, "Scarred for Life" began as a healing exercise and became an unstoppable catalyst for hope and redemption. In Paul's words: "My hope is that (my book) will help others understand more about self-harm and attempted suicide".

I support Paul's hope and recommend this book to all who are involved with children: parents, teachers, doctors and mental health professionals, legal professionals, juvenile justice and correctional services personnel; and, of course, to all his brothers and sisters in the world who understand self-harm all too well, and may find validation and hope within its traumatic pages.

I take the liberty of including Paul's poignant self-harm poem:

How It Is

It always feels like the world don't wanna know
The truth behind every self-harm show
The usual attitude is "he's just mad"
But what they don't know is he is really so sad
People shouldn't judge the things that you do
Whether it is negative, false or true
I'm a self-harmer and not because I was mad
Even though some things I did were pretty bad
There were no consequences just all this pain
That feeling of the razor slicing through my vein
It gave me great pleasure and so much relief
Releasing that pressure, was it a belief
Self-harm was like an addiction, it was my drug
I had no self-esteem, I was just a thug
What people didn't understand is there is a real cause
Instead they just walk by the safe cell, laugh and applause
Humiliation I felt behind that closed door
With people watching me while I curled up on the floor
Cutting myself was the only way
It was my way of saying what I had to say

by Paul Marshall