Sample of a Clinical E-mail Consultation

Question:

Q. In the last few weeks my 8 year old son has begun to use sexually explicit language and references totally inappropriate to his age and which he has not heard in our home/family environment. To be honest I have not even heard some of these truly disgusting references before. I have tried talking to my son but he refuses to listen or to talk about it. I have spoken to his school teachers and they are aware of this and are concerned - but he refuses to talk to them or to the school counselor. I am very worried. Could he have learned it from an older child at school? My husband says I am worrying too much and may be making things worse. Should I just ignore it? My son's behavior in general has changed and he is no longer the happy child he was. I don't know what to do. What should I do? Signed, from Sally.

Response:

Hello, Sally. Thank you for writing to AbuseConsultants.com. I hope we can be of assistance for you and your son.

I do think that your son’s sudden change in language and behavior are sufficient reasons for concern. I suppose it could be explained as simply as his becoming friends with some older kids, or it could also mean something far more serious than that. I don’t think that ignoring this behavior would be helpful, unless you are feeling sure from where it is coming. I definitely think that your continued observations of the changes in your son’s behavior are warranted, and hopefully his behavior can help you to figure out if something more serious is happening.

Of course, unless your son tells you something more specific, any talk of sexual abuse is purely speculative. However, your son is displaying some of the classic “red flag” warning signs that need not be ignored – behavior changes, language changes, sexually explicit knowledge that has drastically increased, awareness of “disgusting” sexual content that you have not explained to him, withdrawal from you, concerned school teachers, his refusing to tell, his loss of happiness, etc. These are purely a list of symptoms that could imply a number of things, but yes, sexual abuse is definitely something that must be ruled out.

It is important to gain your son’s trust as much as possible, so that if something is happening to him, he will be able to tell you or show you. Watch for times when he is more upset, when he is more withdrawn, when he is angrier than usual, etc. Eventually you may find a pattern that gives you some clues to when or where any abuse could have occurred.

If or when you get a sense that your son “might” start talking, one possibility is that taking him out of town on a holiday could make it easier for him to tell you something. (For instance, if he is literally further away from the abuser, he may feel safe enough to say something).

By all means, keep trying to talk with him, and do your very, very best to keep your anger to a minimum. If he thinks he’s upset you, he may shut down even more.

I encourage you to read some of our library references about behavior changes and things to look for in sexually abused children. There may be more warning signs than you are aware.

I think you possibly could have a very serious situation here, and I would encourage you to be as vigilant as possible. Gather information where you can, watch for patterns, and think about new things and new people that could have been introduced to him. Unfortunately, you may also have to be sensitive to the people that he already knows, as he could easily have been abused by someone that you already know – most children are.

Here are some additional questions to consider:

• Is your son doing any type of self destructive behavior?
• Has he had any nightmares or other sleep disturbances?
• Do you see any differences in his willingness to touch another person or to be touched himself?
• Does he have an exaggerated startle response or increased anxieties or fears?
• Does he seem overly provocative or excessively sensitive regarding the private parts of his own body?

Thank you for writing to AbuseConsultants.com. If we can be of any further assistance to you, please contact us again.

Kathy Broady, LMSW-ACP
Clinical Director