I wrote 'just once' only a couple of weeks after we married a wonderful man - but because of outside things, the self injury was happening pretty frequent. For me, crying was sort of a no go, the only way I ever really did it at that time was through self injury. The last couple of paragraphs were the hardest to write, because I had trouble admitting that my si was my tears, and even more trouble admitting that I wanted him (hubby) to be okay with that.

just once

i want to hear you say
'you're so pretty..
when you cry'
because it gives me reason
and i know it kind of
doesn't really matter.

i want to hear you say
'you're so lovely..
when you cry'
because it makes me
kind of a little bit
real again.

i want to hear you say
'you're so bonny..
when you cry'
because i always
wonder why in the back
of my head.

i want to hear you say
'you're so sexy..
when your tears
are the crimson tide'
though i know
you can't.

i just want to hear you
say 'it's alright
and it doesn't matter
and it's okay' and i
am allowed to just
keep wanting this.

and just once i'd like
to hear you say
'you're so damn fine
painted in red
and white and
maybe just a little
bit of blue'.

By Dawni
© May 27, 2002
Posted with permission