Used
to be every breath hurt. Every heartbeat
hurt. Every thought was excruciatingly painful
– death was all I wanted – all
I wanted was peace. I tried drugs. They
were a temporary fix that led only to more
torment and problems to face. Then it was
razor blades – cutting. I was trained
/ programmed to cut if I talked about the
torture – programmed to cut, to suffer
if I tried to flee the pain in my head,
my heart, my soul.
Then
finally by grace and mercy I was touched
– blessed to finally accept the only
way to escape the pain, the torture, is
to walk right through it – not fast,
just one small step at a time. What was
designed to protect me became what was torturing
me to death. Finally learning that the pain
caused by the torture could be fixed - to
learn that the torture was just a memory,
almost an illusion, that could be destroyed
simply by walking through it, shattering
it, just as it had originally shattered
me. But instead of enslaving me, this shattering
freed me – one step at a time –
through the torture, the pain.
Freedom
is real.
