Dear Kathy,

I was on the journaling exercise page at AbuseConsultants.com (thank God for your web site) when I saw the caption “Dumping Page.” You know after everything I have been through, one of the things that angers me a lot was being denied the right to view my father’s body when he died. I really needed to see for myself that my hell was over and I would not have to live in fear any more.

I don't know why I was denied a viewing, but the entire family was. Then there were only graveside services. I will never understand why no one would let me see. So I took my dumping page and made this poem out of it. Everything in this poem was what was making me so fearful, sad and angry:

Why God Said No

When you died and left this place.
What unspeakable horrors were written on your face?
I called the hospital "Please can I come see?
I need to know when daddy died, did he think of me?”
The doctor said, "You don't really want to know.
For this man was your father but.... he never had a soul.”
So I called the graveyard and said, "Please let me see."
They said, "No, he had no heart, just go and let it be."
God help me now. I don’t understand. Why won’t you please show me?
When he was on this earth, "Did he ever even try to love me?"
Then God said, "Sandy if you need, I will let you know."
"Just remember and take to heart, we reap what we sow."
”In his soul there was only murder, death, and rape.
In his heart your sister’s sorrow and all of your mother’s despair and pain.
But in his eyes there WAS fear, for your face was all that remained.
In his last hours I tried to save him, but still he took my name in vain.
Yes, my child so in death he will reap what he sowed.
That’s why when he knocked at my door all I could say was NO!"
~Sandy~

If you would like you have my permission to post any of my comments or poetry that you wish.

God Bless You Kathy,
~Sandy~
January 20, 2003
Posted with permission